This moment

This post is hard to write out, but I think it really needs to be said. Because I know after Carson was born, I judged a lot of women that would say "I didn't love my baby until I met him/her" I could not fathom the feeling of not loving your child the moment you found out about them. With Carson, as soon as I knew I was pregnant it was this all encompassing deep love. Like I knew what my purpose was, to be his mom. I had multiple dreams during my pregnancy with him. I *knew* what he was going to look like, I'd seen him.

So when I never had that burst of love for my pregnancy with Oliver, I was worried. I was worried I was hurting a beautiful relationship. I couldn't figure out how I had become "that" woman that didn't just LOVE her child the moment those 2 pink lines pop up. We'd tried SO hard for Oliver, 9 months (not a long time in the grand scheme) When we finally got pregnant it was ironically enough, the cycle we had taken off of trying.

I was sick almost my entire first trimester making it so hard to do this with "my baby" I almost had this detached feeling from being pregnant when I was so sick that this thing inside me was taking away from what Carson and I had to begin with.

Then I was extremely tired and short fused. I felt horrible. I would snap at Carson constantly for things that are just normal boy behavior.  This one I worked on immediately, I do not like being that mom thats yelling at her toddler for normal kid behavior.

Once I got to big to truly snuggle with Carson, I had just about had it. I battled with hating being pregnant. I couldn't even hardly pick Carson up and chasing after him was extremely hard. I missed the days before. I never regretted Oliver, but I had an extremely hard time juggling a pregnancy with a high maintenance toddler.

Then, this moment happened. "In this moment, I knew, I love you"

In this moment, I knew, I love you. 

I can't even look at this picture with out crying. Thank you Emily for capturing this moment. Amazing to be able to look back at the pictures and see that THIS was the moment I knew, I had always loved him. Something blocked the signal from my heart to my head