Tragic.

I sit here in the wake of tragedy. Watching the Grinch with my big boy, while baby boy sleeps upstairs. Tucked away. Safe.

Tuesday there was a shooting at a local mall just up the freeway from us. It was "my" mall when we lived in the city. 2 people died, and the shooter killed himself. Tragic. People out shopping for the holidays. Gunned down. My heart broke for the families missing their mommy/wife/sister/daughter/aunt.

But then, tragedy struck agains.

In an elementary school in Connecticut. Kindergarten. 18 children dead. 6 adults killed. 1 cowardly "man" killed himself after ruining so many families, lives and shattering the world of the surviving child.

For me, its so hard to not be reactionary. To say "Well I think I'll just home school. Put my babies in a bubble and keep them here with me, safe" But the truth is, they aren't safe.

I have always struggled with anxiety. I can almost pinpoint the moment in my childhood that my anxiety issues started. It all started with a movie about baby ducks, the mom and daughter were driving home, in the dark and in the rain and they get hit by a semi truck. Killing the mom. As a child I would flip my lid in the rain.

I still can hardly drive in the dark/rain. The darkness creeps into me and I find myself going to my "dark place"

Having children has made my anxiety harder to control. Tragic events like this, well lets just say I've been a terrible crying mess. My grief for those mommies and daddies that will never hold their babies is unimaginable. I look at my own baby and I can't keep it together.

I will pray for the families affected by these tragedies. We will be lighting a candle for the rest of the year for these children. May they find peace in the arms of the Lord.