25 weeks down, 15 to go.....

::hyperventilates::

If I am going to be completely honest and say, I am so scared I wound up crying friday night over how nervous it makes me having another baby. Don't get me wrong, I'm so excited. But SO nervous. I am scared of how CB will do, I'm scared of going to the hospital and leaving him home, even though I know he'll be in great hands and in his own bed. But I worry, what if he wakes up and needs me? and I'm not here. What will he think how will he be calmed down. I've never left him. Never overnight.

Its scary. Having a second child, is not just a huge change for us. But I have CB to worry about. What will he think of the new baby? Will he do okay? Will he resent me for taking away half his attention? Will he hate the baby when he cries? Will he feel lost in the shuffle? I know I should just stop worrying, people have more than one child all the time, the kids do great and don't turn out to be parent hating sociopaths. I know part of me will miss it just being him and I. That probably sounds terrible, but its true. I am so afraid that I will resent Bean when he's here, for taking away those special moments CB and I have when we are out doing things, "just the two of us" I like to take him to lunch, will we still do that when Bean is here? or will he make it to hard? What if he's colicky and CB can't handle the crying and hides away in his room to get away from the screaming.

My biggest worry, What if I don't instantly fall in love with Bean? I was one of those people that was just so in love with CB from the moment I found out about him, when he was born I could have burst I was so full of love for such a little being. But I know thats not always the case, some people don't bond instantly. What if that happens to Bean and I.
I haven't been as "into" this pregnancy. I'm excited, I'm living healthy and exercising. I don't have time to eat, breathe and sleep being pregnant like I did with CB.

I'm almost in tears writing this. I feel so terrible about not feeling as bonded. I love Bean, I can't wait to meet him. But the feelings are so different than when I was pregnant with CB.